TAX HUMOR

Albert Einstein [on filing for tax returns]
This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher.

From Tom Antion & Associates:

1. America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.
2. Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.
3. The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.
4. The honeymoon is over when the bride begins to feel like she was never anything but a tax deduction to him.
5. After a man pays his income tax, he knows how a cow feels after she's been milked.

From others:

1. There is always death & taxes. However, death doesn't get worse each year
2. Why is it called a form 1040? Because for every $50 you make you get $10 and the IRS gets $40
3. Life is an education, but you cannot take tax credit for it. Plus, if you fail, you cannot take it over
4. Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."
5. Just let 'em feel that you can save 'em something on taxes and nobody will keep you out. -- Warren Buffett

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The Oldest Profession - Courtesy of Blake Sanford, EA in San Diego
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A surgeon, an accountant and a lawyer were arguing about which of them was practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said, "God created Eve from Adam's rib. Obviously, God is a surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession."

The accountant protested, "Before God created Eve from Adam's rib, he created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows that God was an accountant before he was a surgeon. Accounting, then has to be the oldest profession."

The lawyer sat for a moment smiling, looking at the surgeon and the accountant. "That may be true," the lawyer said shrugging his shoulders, "but who created the chaos?"

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Immigration - Contributed by Betty Briggs, EA in Arizona
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Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone, she goes green, green, green and I pink it up, and I say, 'Yellow, this is Mr. Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at your computer company's Help Desk.

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Grandpa and the IRS - from unknown author
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks the attorney.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

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A Lesson In Taxation - Unknown Author
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Sometimes Politicians can exclaim; "It's just a tax cut for the rich!!", and it is just accepted to be fact. But what does that really mean?

Just in case you are not completely clear on this issue, we hope the following will help:

Tax Cuts - A Simple Lesson in Economics.

This is how the cookie crumbles. Please read it carefully.

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100.00. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.00
The sixth would pay $3.00
The seventh $7.00
The eighth $12.00
The ninth $18.00
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.00

So, that's what they decided to do

The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day, and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20.00"

So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80.00. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20.00 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share"?

The six men realized that $20.00 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being "PAID" to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings)
The sixth now paid $2.00 instead of $3.00 (33% savings)
The seventh now paid $5.00 instead of $7.00(28% savings)
The eight now paid $9.00 instead of $12.00 (25% savings)
The ninth now paid $14.00 instead of $18.00 (22% savings)
The tenth now paid $49.00 instead of $59.00 (16% savings)

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20.00", declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man "but he got $10.00!"

"Yeah, that's right", exclaimed the firth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than me!"

That's true"! shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10.00 back when I got only $2.00?? The wealthy get all the breaks"!!

"Wait a minute", yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor"!!

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes are perceived to get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore. There are lots of good restaurants in Europe and the Caribbean.


How much is Two plus Two? [unknown source]
That will depend on who you are talking to.

1. An engineer would say: 2 + 2 = 4.000000

2. A politician would say: 2 + 2 = 4 BUT if we try harder, we can get it to 4.01

3. A lawyer would say: Rounding up 3.98 to 4, or rounding down 4.02 to 4 is equal = 2 + 2

4. An accountant would ask: "How much do you want it to be?". That is because he could use LIFO, FIFO or other accounting methods to shift income and expenses to later fiscal year.



If you send me your Tax Humor, I will add it here.